
Have you ever faked it as a parent? There were many times when I felt like I was pretending.
Parenting didn't come naturally to me. Although I adored children and had babysat extensively in my youth, I must confess that I felt quite awkward as a parent when my kids were young.
I aspired to be the storybook mom who always had the right words and actions, and whose home was the favorite hangout spot for all the neighborhood kids. Looking back, I probably was a better mom than I give myself credit for. I remember playing red light green light with my daughter in the hallway, dressing up and playing tag with my kids, and being silly during hide and seek, pretending not to know where they were even when their feet peeked out from behind the couch.
Wake-up Call
When my son was diagnosed with autism, I realized I could no longer pretend. I was clueless about what to do. All I wanted was to help him, to connect with him, to be the best parent possible. But I was at a loss.
Then one day, the word "sonrise" popped into my head. Despite the limited resources on the internet at the time, I discovered a unique therapy program for children with autism called Sonrise. I decided to give them a call. What did I have to lose?
After a lengthy conversation pouring my heart out to a lady named Jan Marie, she suggested that the program might be a great fit for my son. The fact that her name was similar to my mom's, Jane Marie, felt like a sign to me!
I informed my husband about my decision to become a student of autism and to learn the Sonrise Program so that I could home school our son. Luckily, he was easy-going and supportive, agreeing to go along with it. He was also excited because a specialist had once mentioned that our son was the type of child who sat quietly at the back of the room unless inspired. This program focused on inspiring children to learn and grow – a perfect match!
Trying Too Hard
And so, the journey began. After weeks of training and preparation, turning our living room into an empty playroom devoid of distractions, I was ready. I rolled up my sleeves, ready to spend 8 hours a day in that room with my son. I was patient. I was quiet. I was loud. I was silly. I was serious. I was a chameleon, experimenting to see what worked. What would inspire my son to look at me. To play with me. To listen. But, he continued to sit in the corner, eyes glazed over, appearing to not even know I was in the same room.
Realizing that my efforts were falling short, I called in a teacher from the Autism Treatment Center of America to work with us for two full days. I was so excited. For hours, I watched the teacher play and interact with my son. Then it was my turn. Wanting desperately to connect with my son in the same way, I re-played the exact same activity. I read the same book, used the same mannerisms, used the same tone of voice, used the same facial expressions, jumped around the room in the same manner at the same times....and what happened? Nothing. My son had laughed and interacted with the teacher. He sat there and ignored me.
I was faking it!
Feeling disheartened, I recognized that I was pretending. Faking it. My heart was there. My effort was 1000%. My energy was off the charts doing the best I could. But this was not my original activity. So I lacked the genuine passion and connection that the teacher possessed.
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I was crushed at the time. I really beat myself up. I judged myself and told myself I couldn’t do it like the teacher.
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But the important thing is, I kept trying. And the more I tried, the more I started having fun.
I paid attention and started to notice what made my son smile or look at me during our games. That told me what he was interested in. What caught his attention. I used those motivations to create connections with him.
If he smiled and looked at me when I sang songs, then I used singing to inspire him to participate in a science experiment. I'd sing a song that it was time to get dressed....or eat a meal. When he laughed at a funny voice I made, I then offered a new activity while using the silliest voice I could think of and he participated for five minutes. That's a lot for a child who was always exclusive!
Over time I learned how to connect with my son authentically by being myself.
Embracing The Authentic Me
Eventually, I stopped pretending. While there are still moments when I catch myself faking it, I remind myself to relax, be myself, and engage in activities that we both enjoy, like singing.
Is faking it wrong? Not at all! It demonstrates our eagerness and willingness to learn and grow as parents, even if it feels unnatural at first. But the key is to be willing to self-reflect, notice when you are pretending, and allow yourself to relax into being authentically you.
So, I say "fake it till you make it". Embrace the journey, and eventually authenticity, joy, and growth will prevail.
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About Jane Lynn
I am the mom of an amazing autistic young man who has taught me more about life, love and success than any school or job could have. I get so excited about what we learn together that I can't wait to share it all with you. I am an autism life coach, neurodiversity and parenting speaker & trainer, that is inspired by discovering and sharing practical strategies and resources to make your life a little brighter and to help you thrive.
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