I have noticed that when I’m driving wearing my sunglasses, my son's reaction to me is different. He can be happy and humming to a song and when I look up to smile at him through my sunglasses, he gets moody. Or stops laughing and hesitantly looks at me like I am about to reprimand him.
It was happening so often that I couldn't help but ask myself "what is getting in the way?" The sunglasses!
Crushing on sunglasses
I used to wear sunglasses all the time when I was younger. I loved choosing the right style and fit for my mood.
As I got older, I stopped wearing them. Just one more thing to keep up with. About a year ago, I got tired of seeing my eyes constantly puffy and wrinkly, partly because I wasn’t protecting them when I was driving. So, I found my favorite pair and started sporting them again.
It’s funny how you can feel different by just putting on a pair of sunglasses. It can totally change my mood and help me feel livelier. More creative. Independent. Even higher self-esteem.
He couldn't see my eyes
Despite the emotional lift I get from wearing sunglasses, it changes my connection with my son. His behavior is different.
This was happening so much that I really felt like he believed I was unhappy with what he was doing. He was just humming and rocking back and forth to the music in the backseat of the car. I was excited and wanted to connect with him over his joy and excitement. But when I would turn to smile and sing a long, he frowned and stopped.
He couldn't see my eyes. He couldn't see my happy raised eyebrows. So he got confused and was uncertain what I was communicating to him.
That may be surprising to you since he has autism. Often, individuals on the autism spectrum do not look you in the eye or understand the nuances of different facial expressions. And I get that. Our brains have to process so much information when we communicate that sometimes is easier to focus when we don’t look someone in the eyes.
Nonetheless, eye contact is important to me. Probably because this is the one thing that really showed me that my son had autism. When he was 2 years old, we were sitting at the dinner table and it took him 45 seconds to look at me. I kept asking him to look at me. And I counted....to 45 before our eyes connected. And that eye contact was for only a few seconds.
I couldn’t deny it. Something was different and from that instance, I began a journey to discover how to help my son use his eyes to communicate.
My husband and I spent eight years running a homeschool program and teaching him how fun it is to be social, including how to look others in the eyes. And now he has the best eye contact of anybody I know.
Eyes are the doorway to connection
When I look at him, he immediately looks back at me. If I glance at him with a quizzical look on my face, he replies with a quizzical look on his face as if to say “ok, mom, what’s up?”. And what’s awesome is that he will look at me for acceptance for what he’s doing. He totally pays attention to how we look at him and what expression we are using, including our eyes.
So, it’s not surprising that he gets confused when I put the sunglasses on. They close the door to our communication. He can’t see that my eyes are twinkling, and my eyebrows are raised in a similar joyful expression to his. Consequently, he automatically thinks my somewhat abrupt turn of the head and smile is to stop what he is doing. Not surprisingly, he responds with frustration.
When I figured this out, the sunglasses came off.
Tossing the sunglasses to the side
I use my visor to block the sun. I squint when I need to. And, when I look back to see him smiling and humming to the music now, his eyes twinkle with connection and acceptance.
OK. Sometimes I do need to wear sunglasses. But I’m more aware of what his response may be. And if he’s uncertain or uncomfortable, I toss the sunglasses to the side and sing along with my favorite guy while cruising down the highway laughing and sharing happy glances in the rear-view mirror.
About Jane Lynn
I am the mom of an amazing autistic young man who has taught me more about life, love and success than any school or job could have. I get so excited about what we learn together that I can't wait to share it all with you. I am an autism life coach, neurodiversity and parenting speaker & trainer, that is inspired by discovering and sharing practical strategies and resources to make your life a little brighter and to help you thrive.
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