How to Cultivate a Deeper Connection with Your Child: Recognizing the Signs of Emotional Connection

Do you ever get that flutter in your heart that feels so good and you just feel happy? Fulfilled? When I feel that way, my son starts smiling and giggling. Our eyes connect and sparkle as we share a sweet, loving moment which can open the door to a strong connection, longer attention span, and even willingness to step outside his comfort zone and try something new.

Tip #1 - Find your flutter

Finding your flutter is as easy as paying attention to what makes you smile. What inspires your laughter? What causes you to hum or be so relaxed that your "authentic you" is showing up? (Not the one that you think everyone else wants to see.)

• Perhaps it's a song. Thinking of a favorite place. The smell of your morning coffee.

• Then it's relaxing into and savoring the moment. Disconnecting from the impossible to-do list and trusting that you'll accomplish it later.

• Next, recognize the joy and lightheartedness of the moment.

• Then notice the feeling inside and let it lead your actions.

For me, those moments feel so good that the flutter I feel gets bigger. My heart overflows and my energy bubbles with happiness. And before I know it, I have a strong emotional connection and am enjoying an activity with my son. He is looking. Listening and following directions. Getting up and reaching over his head for a new book from a high shelf so I can continue reading. These are not things he usually does unless he really WANTS to.

How do I find my flutter? Through music. Singing. Discovering something new through books. Even just letting loose and being silly....which I know is a huge motivation for my son. I focus on something that we both enjoy which helps me show up in a relaxed and authentic way.

Sometimes I start singing and dancing around the room and then pause.....ask him a question or request an action.....he does it then I continue singing and dancing to keep the momentum going. Sometimes I become a comedian and use exaggerated expressions and phrases, which inspires him to look at me, laugh, and be ready for our lesson or activity. Sometimes I choose one of his favorite books and read a chapter. And, sometimes, he leans in and touches my nose with his nose in a sweet gesture to show me he loves me.

The flutter is so palpable that I want more. Better yet….he wants more.

Tip #2 - Don't need it

Years of trying to recreate that feeling has taught me that often, I try too hard. I want it so badly that I actually start to NEED that feeling. That emotional connection. A longer interaction where my son is learning, growing and showing more independence.

I lose the flutter when I insert expectations.

I’ve learned that the best way to bring back the flutter is to let go of my expectation. Stop needing our connection to be a certain way or at a certain time. And, while I’m at it, stop thinking of everything else that’s on my agenda or on my mind. Just be in the moment and appreciate all the little things around me. 

It can be my son's puzzle that I’ve done a million times. But when I look at it a different way, and I see the beauty in the colors and the lines and how all the pieces connect, my heart feels with joy and I feel the flutter. 

It can be a catchy rhythm of a song that gets my body moving. I start humming and get lost in the moment. I'm just being me. Authentically. Not worrying what someone else may think or say if they were to see me singing and laughing right now. All my worries, fears, and agendas just melt away.

It can be preparing to wake up my son to get ready for the day. I’m excited about the fun adventure we’re going to have, as every day is different. And when the flutter comes back, I find it so much easier for him to get out of bed, eat breakfast and get dressed. Why? Because I’m approachable. I’m fun.

Tip #3 - Flutter is more than a tool

When my heart is fluttering, I’m not demanding. Not rushed. Not stressed. Not overthinking every detail. Instead, I’m feeling calm and excited that I’m almost certain my son can feel emanating from me. And doesn’t it feel nice to be with happy, non-demanding people?

Flutter feels good. Flutter brings joy. Flutter creates a deeper connection. Flutter inspires action.

Yes, flutter can be a powerful tool. But it's so much more. It's a place I like to go to keep me balanced, joyful, and in touch with my son.

And when I feel tired, frustrated and out of sync with autism, I know what I need to do. Find my flutter.

About Jane Lynn

I am the mom of an amazing autistic young man who has taught me more about life, love and success than any school or job could have. I get so excited about what we learn together that I can't wait to share it all with you. I am an autism life coach, neurodiversity and parenting speaker & trainer, that is inspired by discovering and sharing practical strategies and resources to make your life a little brighter and to help you thrive.