We all know that stress is bad for your health. Any study you read blows your mind with statistics on how it can increase your blood pressure, flame inflammation in your body, lead to chronic conditions and disease, and actually kill you. Scary!
What I find ironic is that so many things in my life that I choose to do also cause stress. Like taking a vacation. My job. Even my plans and activities with my family.
Being aware of our stress is so important for our health. But it’s even more important for our kids with autism.
Hypersensitive to stress
Many of our kids have extremely keen senses. They can see, feel, hear, smell and taste things with much more intensity that we can. Often, we call this a "hypersensitivity".
And what I’ve seen over and over again is that our stress can actually be painful for our hypersensitive children.
What?! Yes. Just go with me for a minute…..
Being a detective
I have always been a great observer. A detective. I notice everything and love to piece together bits of knowledge to create solutions. This is what I've detected from over 20 years of parenting my autistic son.
When we are stressed, we literally send out lightning bolts of sharp energy to everyone around us. If we all had keen senses, we would walk around feeling like we’re being stung by bees all day long because stress is all around us. And occasionally, when that stress is intense, we’d feel attacked by lightning bolts.
I see this frequently in my son. And it’s painful to watch.
He can be happy and relaxed. Then someone near him gets angry and he screams. Bangs the table. Slaps his legs.
When we are around a lot of people, those stress feelings and his reactions seem to amplify. It also makes my stress rise due to my fear and frustration of trying to fix the situation as quickly as I can for my son, and everyone around us. It’s also wrapped in my intense sadness that my son must endure this pain.
So...what can we do about this?
The very first thing that I do when my son gets agitated or hits himself is to check in with MYSELF. Am I stressed? Angry? Fearful?
YES! Of course, I am. I’m stressed by his reaction. But I dig deeper. How was I feeling before his reaction?
If I realize that I was feeling stress, then I take 3 deep breaths and calm myself at least by 50%. I tell myself “You GOT this!” and I focus on what the next stressor is that I can remove or reduce for my son.
The first thing I notice is that when I am calmer, my son relaxes a bit. And when I calmly talk to him and show him I’m there to help, he lets me.
Then I can ask him what or who is bothering him, and he will often either point to answer my yes/no questions.
If I am not sure what the stressor is, I take him somewhere quiet. Ideally, somewhere where we can be alone. Then I only have my stress and his reaction to focus on. Once he (we) calms down, the lightning bolts disappear, and we can get on with our activity.
Skeptical about this stress ~ lightning bolt theory?
It does sound a bit weird. But I spend a lot of time with him. At least 8 hours every day. Sometimes 20 hours. I have seen this cause and effect many times and the best way for me to describe it is with my lightning bolt analogy.
In fact, I recently experienced this in such an intense way that it actually changed my life. This is why I wanted to write about the stress – lightning bolt relationship and how we can turn those painful strikes into gentle nudges.
I created thunderstorms every day from internal stress over a really great job that I loved. Working for a startup, having my hands in everything, getting to make strategic decisions as well as making a real impact with every action I took each day. I could not have been happier with my career.
Not surprisingly, there was a lot of stress.
When I get excited about a project, an activity, and especially my job, I can’t stop thinking about it. I cannot put it down. While I can still focus on other people and other activities, my “go to” response is to focus on that thing that I love so much. In this case, my job.
If I see something, it triggers a thought about that decision I made. If I hear a song, it triggers a thought about that project I want to pursue. A smell can lead to a creative marketing thought. And all of this has a direct effect on my family, especially my autistic son.
Stress doesn’t have to be a negative response. Stress can be a positive response to something we really love. It’s that high energy that sends out the lightning bolt.
Still sound weird?
I actually learned this 13 years ago when my son was with one of his homeschool teachers. I was completely across the house from them in the farthest place I could be. But I could hear him. He was laughing. Then, all of a sudden, I became angry and stressed over a thought that I had. From across the house, I heard him. He became angry and banged on the table.
I calmed down. He calmed down. Then I got angry again. And instantly, he did too.
Later, I asked the teacher what happened in those moments. She had no idea. They were playing a fun game and both she and William were laughing in the moment. Then he became agitated and banged on the table. Twice.
This was no coincidence. It was real, and I paid attention. It made me want to better regulate my emotions.
Fast forward to today and I’m happy to say I’m more balanced and live each day with less stress. But I’m also going to share a secret with you.
I left that job that I loved. I really loved the people and the company and everything that I contributed. But what I love even more is the ability to navigate each day with a heart full of positivity and butterflies. I really can’t explain or put words to the feeling I have in my heart, mind, and body. But I’m lighter and happier.
And my son?
Exponentially happier. Deeper connections with me and others. This has led me to see him and my role differently. I used to treat him as someone I always needed to do everything for. To instruct. Now, I see him as the 20 something that he is, and I talk to him like an adult. I explain things in a different way.
And when either of us does something that I don’t like, I have a conversation about it instead of getting upset. Wow! Has his response changed. He listens to me. He really looks and listens. And he smiles because he feels much better.
From lighting bolts to rainbows
From stress and pain to being more mindful and relaxed together. From stressful outings to more confident ways to create a comfortable way to navigate people and community.
My life has changed. For the better. And the good news is that I am better able to regulate my emotions. To actually balance work and caregiving with less stress.
With gentle nudges instead of lightning bolts.
About Jane Lynn
I am the mom of an amazing autistic young man who has taught me more about life, love and success than any school or job could have. I get so excited about what we learn together that I can't wait to share it all with you. I am an autism life coach, neurodiversity and parenting speaker & trainer, that is inspired by discovering and sharing practical strategies and resources to make your life a little brighter and to help you thrive.
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