Confessions of a Perfectionist Parent: When checking off the list gets in the way of connection.

If you know me, you know I love to get things done. There is nothing quite like the rush of crossing an item off a to-do list. In the Myers-Briggs world, I am a total "J"—a planner, a strategist, a scheduler.

An important part of checking things off my list is trying. And let me tell you, I am an absolute pro at trying really hard. I plan it out, write it down to focus, and use every spare moment to strategize.

And I don't just want to do it well. I want it to be the best ever! That’s the perfectionist in me. While that drive serves me well sometimes, it has easily been my biggest obstacle when it comes to navigating autism. If I'm being completely honest, my effort is always an A+, but in my own eyes, the outcome looks like a C. I am incredibly hard on myself because I want to move mountains now.

The 8-Year Roadblock

So why didn’t all that trying and accomplishing help my son become independent?

I spent eight years hyper-focused on that one goal. I trained for 300 hours just to run a home school program. I personally trained over 30 people for more than 500 hours to work with my son. I ran the absolute best Son-Rise home school program I could. By anyone else's metrics, it was a massive success. I was a phenom.

So, again, why didn’t we reach independence?  It really bothered me, especially when I saw friends running great programs whose kids were now mainstreamed into everyday life. To be honest, it still stings a little today.

But I’ve learned that my biggest obstacle is actually my biggest opportunity: I need to stop trying so hard and just allow the day to unfold. I have to allow my son to be himself and allow myself to just be me with him. Instead of forcing a lesson, I have learned to rely on my skills and organically weave comments, suggestions, and fun into our natural connection.

To allow.

The Lesson in the Sketch Pad

To allow sounds like the exact opposite of trying, but it really isn’t. It’s more like trying with an open heart—trying without desperately needing a specific outcome.

Of course I want my son to communicate independently, dress himself, and plan his day. His autism doesn’t mean those things are off the table. But I see the most extraordinary progress in him when we are totally relaxed and having fun. Going with the flow. Not forcing an outcome.

It was actually one of those relaxed moments that inspired me to write this. We love to draw together. It was fall and I was drawing pumpkins and gourds. William handed me the markers, chose the colors, and watched intently while I drew on the sketch pad on his lap. There was no agenda. Just lightheartedness, laughter, and connection.

A few days later, I found his sketch pad. It was filled with his usual colors, shapes, and scribbles. But staring right up at me from the open page was a faint, perfectly drawn pumpkin shape. He had drawn it all by himself.

When I allowed our connection to blossom instead of trying so hard to teach him, he relaxed and learned on his own terms, in his own way. He showed me that he can gain independent skills when the environment is right and when he is ready.

Popping the Thought Bubble

Another huge goal I have for William is to extend his attention span. When I am actively "trying," my brain is working overtime. I am constantly assessing his responses and thinking about what motivation I can offer next to keep him engaged.

When I do this, I honestly think he can see a thought bubble floating over my head. He will stop interacting, look right above my head, look me in the eye, and choose to stop participating. Game over. That subtle look from him is my gentle reminder: Mom, you're getting distracted by your own effort. You're trying too hard. 

The good news is that whenever this happens, I can pull myself back and relax into the activity. I do this best by doing one or sometimes all of these things:

• Pausing for a few seconds to reset.

• Checking in with myself to see why I’m gripping so tightly and what expectation is getting in my way.

• Lovingly laughing at myself for getting so caught up in the effort.

• Taking a deep breath and returning to the activity with the sole goal of having fun. (Sometimes I sing, because it instantly brings us both back to the present moment!)

This entire check-in takes only a few seconds, but it is the absolute secret to our relationship. Trying hard can be a gift, but it can also create major roadblocks. Allowing, on the other hand, is organic. It builds real, lasting connection, and it creates the sweet spot for learning.

About Jane Lynn

I am the mom of an amazing autistic young man who has taught me more about life, love and success than any school or job could have. I get so excited about what we learn together that I can't wait to share it all with you. I am an autism life coach, neurodiversity and parenting speaker & trainer, that is inspired by discovering and sharing practical strategies and resources to make your life a little brighter and to help you thrive.